8/27/25-My Biggest Regret
I don’t like to use the word regret. There are decisions in my life that I wounder how my life would have been different had I decided on them.
- I should have chosen to to to college at Cal Poly. Looking back it was probably an ideal school for me.
- I should have kept running through high school and into adult life. Looking back, the 12 year break from running were good years, but something was missing.
- I should have stayed in the Navy. This was the time that I was doing a job that was challenging and, most importantly, fulfilling. I am very proud of my time in the military.
I would not call any of those things regrets. The decisions at the time that had their reasons. And even though I wounder how things could have been different, I’m happy with the overall outcomes.
However, there is one time in my life I do regret.
Back in my early life, starting about 3rd or 4th grade I would call myself “Girl Crazy.” I was infatuated by all the girls in my class and if I had any sort if interaction with them it would almost certainly evolve into a crush. I was pretty pathetic, jumping from one infatuation to another. In fact I am quite sure that some people reading this were one of those obsessions at one time.
Then some thing changed in early September, 1986. I found myself totally devoted to just one girl for the first time. She walked into Mrs. Jensen’s math class and from that very moment I was hooked. I couldn’t think about anyone else.
Christine Schepanski was the one who taught me what love was.
To keep the story short, we did become friends. Hanging out at lunch time some days and talked in class, but I wanted to be closer to her. And, being a stupid 14 year old boy, I didn’t know how to do that. Further complicating the issue was there was always a chance her stay in California would be short and she would be moving back to Iowa after the school year.
As it got later in the school year, I felt like I needed to tell her how I felt about her. But, being a stupid 14 year old boy, I didn’t know how to do that. So I did something or said something stupid and really upset her. I don’t think I ever really knew what I did (again stupid 14 year old boy), but what it was isn’t important. The fact that I hurt some I cared about is. We didn’t talk for the last month of school. We graduated 8th grade and she moved back to Iowa. I never got to tell her how great and important she was to me. I never even got to say good-bye.
In high school I eventually went back to my girl crazy infatuations. I had more girls to obsess over than ever . But I never really got Christine out of my head. Over the past 40 years I have thought about trying to find her and write her a letter telling her how important she was and apologizing for being a jerk, but I’m sure she has forgotten about me. But I never did.
Eventually, I met my soul-mate and got married. And for the last 35 years Cindy has been my anchor. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. So I guess everything turned out for the best.
But as the saying goes, “You never forget your first crush.” And that’s what Christine was to me. My first “real” crush. I wish I would have had the courage to tell her that 40 years ago. I wish I could tell her I’m sorry that I hurt her.
I guess you can’t live life looking back with regret. Life should be lived looking to the future. But, as we get older and our future on this plane of existence gets shorter, we can reflect on mistakes we made and things we wish we’d done different at the time. And that is the moment I’d love to have back and relive, he moment I hurt someone I cared about.
